Has it been 10 minutes?

I know I know - "Where does the time go??!!" is just too trite to say - but really - WHERE DOES THE TIME GO??!!

My mom used to say "You DO what you WANT to do." While I do believe that I am still amazed when I look at this poor, neglected blog and realize how much time has gone by since my last post. Guess it's a good thing I'm not doing this for anyone else.... can't disappoint someone if they aren't really expecting anything. :-)

What prompted me here today was an email I received from son #2. It had a link for me to click so I did - here's what I found:
Surprising Signs You'll Live Longer Than You Think - 1 - Women's Health - MSN Health & Fitness

If you know me then you know my health has become a big concern in my life. Not that I'm sick - but I want to be around to play with my grandchildren. I want to get down on the floor and play - and more importantly I want to get back up without having the grandkids all gather around me and say "OK everyone - PULL!"

So I've changed my eating habits and I'm working on changing my exercise habits. I've lost 50 pounds and have another 50+ that I'd like to lose. I won't be anorexic when I've lost that much - really. I can stand to lose it. And that link was SUCH an encouragement to me.

All 3 of our children have been so supportive. So encouraging. So "there" for me.

What a lucky mom I am.

I went to lunch with a girlfriend yesterday. She is wondering whether she should remain in the relationship she has been in for the past 4 years. He used to tell her she looked nice and said the things we girls want to hear including "I love you." But that's all stopped. She isn't a priority in his life any more. He's busy with his life. She keeps busy but she misses him. And she misses hearing him declare his love for her.

So I told her that as much as I love my husband, he isn't very good at saying nice things to me. I can't remember the last time he said "I love you" without me saying it first. He doesn't affirm me with words very often and I don't think he's ever told me I'm pretty. He told me I looked nice a couple weeks ago without me asking, but it isn't something he's ever done with any regularity. "Guys just don't think like women"... it's what we say when we don't want to think about how bad it hurts. And yes, it hurts.

I admit - I WANT to be told I'm smart - in THOSE words. I WANT to be told I'm pretty - in THOSE words. I'd like to hear compliments and admiration in simple little sentences that don't need to be interpreted. And in fact, I know my husband admires me because of his confidence in me when he asks my opinion or asks me to do something for him. I know he likes how I look because of the way he looks at me. And I know he loves me because of his actions and so many other reasons. But words matter and hearing him say the words "I LOVE YOU" somehow just matters.

But I'm female, and I'm human, and I'm vulnerable to that little voice that would plant discontent in my heart and help me focus on what I DON'T hear.... Why is it so easy to believe our lives should read like a romance novel? It's just such a lie.

So I tell my friend if the relationship is based on hearing those things, end it now because she may never hear the words she longs to hear. If she can't be satisfied without his words, then don't keep going. She seemed somewhat alarmed with the idea.

So after lunch I'm home again... standing in the living room folding the fresh linens that are still warm from the dryer. And I hear His voice.

"Do you love me?"

"Of course I love you Lord!! Why is THAT a question?"

"Why don't you say it?"

"But Lord - I show my love with actions and so many other ways."

"But when do you say it? When do you ever simply say 'I love you' without Me saying it first?"

I was alone in the room but it wasn't to myself that I said it - out loud - "I love you!"

And suddenly my discontent disipates as I am affirmed and loved by my heavenly Father who will never fail me... and who loves me with an everlasting love. He knows me best - and loves me most - and it's more than enough.

********

My new habit I'm trying to form.... to say "I love you" - the WORDS - every day to the One I love the most. I love saying it, I love hearing it and somehow it doesn't seem to matter if it's my own voice I hear saying it. You should try it - as weird as it sounds it's really so cool.

Best Bumper Sticker award

OK - I'm blonde. REALLY. I was blonde as a kid, blonde in High School then started having kids and what began to grow from my head resembled the color you might find on a dead rat. Just too gross to continue living with so I have my hairstylist/friend keep my hair its natural color - natural as in BK - Before Kids.

But when it grew in blonde all by itself there were lots of red highlights that God put there - not me. We used to call it strawberry blonde - I always hated that. Not sure why - just did.

Then when I began picturing what I wanted my daughter to look like I always pictured reddish gold hair - my mom called it spun gold. I just think red hair is beautiful. (Interestingly so do our sons - they love the redheads!!)

Well I saw this bumpersticker that was sooooo good - just have to share!

I slow down for brunettes
I brake for blondes
But I'll back up for a redhead!!

To those who have red hair - hold your head high!! You're beautiful!

Back to School

Nothing of any importance or value to say tonight... I'm back in school starting tomorrow and I wonder if I'll see this page again in the next few months....

Makes me think of the saying "If a tree falls in the forest does it make any sound?" If my blog goes untouched will anyone even know?

So who am I writing for anyway?

Well. Me. I really don't have any preconceived ideas that anyone will really read these... I'm pretty sure if anyone were to search for "my" blog they would NEVER find it since there is no identifying information here. Makes me laugh thinking about it. It really couldn't be much more obscure.

But some day when I look back hopefully I will see some growth. And have some wonderful memories that got written down somewhere... here.

I want to remember sweet conversations - like the ones while drivng to or from classes with my daughter... Tonight on the way home from her swim class we talked about skin - specifically her stomach - and how much is too much to show.

It began with her asking "Mom - why should I wear shirts that don't show my stomach?" She's asked this so many times and I'm not sure why but we never seem to get around to answering it fully.... traffic, phones, radio - so many distractions on the way home. What's really funny is she always seems to think of the question just as we cross the main drag on our way home. Maybe I should just choose a different route so she forgets to ask me again. Nahhh... just address it.

Well - how much skin are we talking about? An inch? 6 inches? No - she says only an inch. Who decides that's OK and an inch and a half is too much? What about when you move?

How old can you be and still show that? Can a 60 year old woman show an inch of her stomach? No. 50? No. 40? No. 30? No. 29? Yes. Ok - so the day before you turn 30 it's OK but on your 30th birthday you must stop. What time? Eastern time? What if you're on a plane flying east?

We decided there really isn't anyone who carries around a ruler to measure how much is showing, and some 20 year olds look worse than some 4o year olds so really what's it all about anyway?

Well daughter - it's about what you want people to see when they look at you. The light goes on.

"I want them to see Jesus, Mom."

Yes sweet pea. Where will they see Him?

"In my eyes. I want them to look at my eyes. What's for dinner?"

I hope they are all this easy.... but I know they won't be. So I enjoy her purity and innocence and love for Jesus now... and write it down so I can remember it later.

My daughters joke

Ever have one of those days where every phone call lasts an hour or more, the teapot never gets emptied and the conversations are rich and welcomed? I've had too many deep conversations today and was thrilled when my daughter offered to tell me a joke.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went hunting. At the end of the day the brunette came home with a deer. When asked how she got it she said "Well, I followed the tracks and BAM - I shot it!!"

The next day the redhead went out hunting and she came back with a bear. When asked how she got it she said "Well, I followed the tracks and BAM - I shot it!!"

The NEXT day the blonde went out hunting and when she came back she was torn to pieces!! Everyone exclaimed "WHAT HAPPENED to you?" to which she replied "Well, I followed the tracks and BAM - the train hit me!!"

OK - so maybe the reason I thought it was so funny was because everything else today was intense.

So it's Friday now and this was written yesterday....

Here's hoping today is not as intense. :-)

cricket

Sometimes a girl just has to cry!!

Went to Starbucks today for coffee with my VVVBFF (not to be confused with my VVBFF or my VBFF or my BFFN - which makes me ask the question - are those interchangebale? And what's up with that anyway???)

Anyway - we're discussing the deeper things of life... and I was telling her about this peace I have about the future. Not just the peace that Christians have and claim to walk in but a real, almost tangible peace. Over the past few months and especially during this Christmas season I've been extremely aware of the fragility of life. That as much as we think things are stable, as much as we relax in our naivete and feel safe in our happy lives, that NONE of it is sure. We find peace in our plans and security in routine and yet if we were to lose the person we love the most would we still have that peace? I don't mean to sound morbid - I just seem to be reminded SEVERAL times a day that life is so unsure. Maybe it's because we've been working on our will - getting our house in order so to speak. Whatever the cause, it's been on my mind a LOT!!

What has come of it is that I have appreciated things lately that have previously gone completely unnoticed. Not just unappreciated - but completely unnoticed and totally taken for granted!! I have noticed things lately and said "I love you" to more people in the past months than I have my entire life. It's like having my eyes opened to new colors and new surroundings... everything is different. I've enjoyed one of the BEST Christmas seasons of my life because of this.

So back to Starbucks - we're discussing this and I get a little choked up. Well of course what's the very next thing said??? "Sorry - my hormones must be raging!!"

WHY DO WE DO THAT???

Bless her heart - my BFF says "It isn't hormones - it's a gift that women have and the world doesn't appreciate it. It's that ability to FEEL things - and to feel them deeply - to the point that we get choked up sometimes."

I so love that about her. She's so smart. (Tall, beautiful, intelligent, healthy, beautiful eyes, almost single. NOT that she's looking. But if you're male and single and LOVE Jesus, you can ask.) And she's so right. We make excuses and even apologize when we express any kind of emotion. The world seems to so disdain emotion that we even label people who show NO emotion (except general depression) "emo's" and encourage only pretentious, rehearsed happiness. We laugh too loud, too often and too quickly. Crying is a sign of weakness and emotions are a sign of immaturity or instability. If you feel something so deeply that you get choked up then you probably haven't seen your shrink lately and it's time to make that appointment.

Well - no more. Not for me.

This final day of 2007 I realized I'm really glad I'm female. I'm really glad to feel things so strongly. I'm really glad I have friends who accept me for me - and not just accept but appreciate!! It makes me wanna cry!!! (and No - I'm not overtired, hungry, on my "cycle", or even unstable! I'm female and proud of it. If not for female emotions we might look a lot like those countries where women are not allowed to speak, feel, or be themselves... hmmmm I think I have a couple sons headed there to fight for freedom - theirs and ours.)

And I'm especially glad that no matter what 2008 brings, my life is in the the hands of The One who holds all time and space - and that gives me great peace.

I wish you a very Happy New Year - and peace.

New Years Resolutions - or not

I don't know the rules about blogging yet - somehow I think I'm about to find out....

I got an email from a friend tonight that linked to this GREAT blog!!!

I have never really heard of this but have accidentally been doing it for the past SEVERAL years!!!

Some examples of my words have been

praise
Him
family
balance
home
others

I know there are more but these are the ones that come to mind right now.

It's funny too - each one brought about great changes in my life in that area.... like the word home - I was working outside the home, gone for many hours a day, with 2 little boys who I really wanted to spend more time with. My word became home and all decisions made were based on "will this allow me more time at home or will it take me away from home more?" That year I quit my job, quit teaching Sunday School, dropped my radio talk show, completed my responsibilities on the school site council, stopped volunteering at a couple non-profits, resigned my position on the board of another non-profit, found a friend who would ask me every time we spoke on the phone "Where are you Lynda? GO HOME!!" and started my own business as a computer consultant from home. It was an incredible year for my family.

The word others - that came out of the realization that I totally bulldoze over people. I forget they have feelings and frankly it irritates the heck out of me that they do! I don't mean to ignore anyone or be insensitive - I just failed to THINK of others. I didn't consider myself "self-centered" but indeed I found I was. So that was my word - a regular reminder to think of others, consider their needs and feelings, and share with them the love of God that I am so secure in.

Him - that has become more of a life word for me. I live for Him. I'd like to show more of Him and less of me. I want others to know Him in His fullness and know His love. As I have gotten to know Him more each day and each week and each month, the years have become more peaceful and my love for Him has grown.

With each new word I choose my password changes too. I always find it a regular reminder when I make my password a word that I'm focusing on. Probably not good information for me to share - but really - when it's a word I REALLY want to think of I put it in front of my eyes every chance I get.

I challenge you to join us. It really can be life changing.

And my apologies for any blogging rules I've broken.

around the dinner table

I grew up.... um no - start over - still haven't grown up....

I was raised primarily by my single mom. There were a few years in there where I lived with my Aunt and Uncle - though not consecutively. Mostly I lived there in 4th grade and then portions of the Summer every year through High School. Except for the time I spent with my Aunt and Uncle, I lived in poverty and dysfunction. Dinner around the table didn't exist in my life with my mom. Not because she didn't want to - she just didn't have the energy or know how. She grew up in poverty and dsyfunction so that's all she knew. Subsequently I never learned much about the importance of the evening meal around the table.

Then I married a man who came from a family that ALWAYS had dinner at the table. In fact, I'd be willing to bet they had breakfast together too - something I don't think I've ever had in my entire life except for the time I spent the night with Kim and her mom fixed us all oatmeal before school the next day. And she complained about it!!! I thought it was incredible!!

Over the years I've vascilated in my consistency to make dinner. Once the boys moved out it just became too easy to let everyone (all 3 of us) get whatever sounded good and not have a formal meal. Darling Daughter rarely likes what we have for dinner anyway. Dear Husband doesn't eat vegetables and doesn't like soups or salads. So what's the point? Why bother to keep trying to fix meals when I'm the only one who really likes them anyway?

Ahhhhh indeed - if I could, I would only eat vegitarian meals with some chicken or ham thrown in every now and then. I would have LOTS of soups, salad every night, the occaisional casserole and would probably experiment with various recipes. But then - I'm dreaming.

But what about the family meal around the table? I'm realizing it really has very little to do with what we're eating. The boys have been home since late Tuesday night. They want home cooked meals - guess the Corps doesn't provide those. So I've cooked and nobody complained!!! Instead I've listened to conversations between my family, lots of laughter and the building of relationships that every mom dreams of. I've heard how important this time is but I guess I never really appreciated it like I do now. With us being in seperate parts of the world over the past couple years it's really made us grateful for the time we DO have together - especially dinner.

I strongly suggest it if you've never made it a priority. I know dinner just changed in our home... I hope I never worry about the food again and simply enjoy the bonding that takes place in spite of what we're eating (or like those who fight for their lives together become closer - maybe BECAUSE of what we're eating!!)

nurture vs nosey

I never really thought of it until recently....

I always thought that taking care of someone was just nurturing... (something every mother seems to come by naturally or at least should - and if not naturally then they should learn.)

But not so.

Last week I visited my dentist. THAT is a whole story all by itself because I really have a huge dental phobia thing going on that stems from 4th grade when my dad left, we moved across the country not once but twice, my whole world was in upheaval and I had my very first dental visit. (I know - the sentence was too long and actually so is this little rabbit trail but stick with me.) I'd never been to the dentist and when we got to California my aunt took one look at my teeth and knew it was time - so she made the appointment and away I went - to another new adventure which by now I was pretty sick of all the new adventures and this one proved to be just one more awful memory. I was terrified, which seemed to irritate the dental assistant - or maybe it was just that I was squeezing her hand to hard - what ever - she decided I needed to snap out of it so as I began to cry she slapped me and told me stop being such a baby. Well back then if you got in trouble "where ever" you got double when you got home so I never told and well now I need therapy.

ANYWAY - so I'm at the dentist's office - not the monster from 4th grade but a new dentist in an office I've been going to for years and years. Well as I come in the door the office manager tells me the computers are down and in fact, the whole server has crashed. If you know me you know I'm a computer person. So we exchange questions and answers and I head back to the patient room.

Folks - I'm leaving out ALL the details here in order to get to the point... just suffice it to say I set up the original network here, love the people who work in this office and know the guy who is now maintaining their network and have great respect for him. I KNOW I can reach him and give him a better picture of what is happening in this office. I KNOW I can help the office and alleviate some of their stress. REALLY - this isn't an opinion - this is fact!

So I get out my phone to call the computer guy - a very loving, nurturing kind of thing on my part. Or so I thought.

Then it hits me. Nobody asked me to do anything about this. It's really none of my business. This is not really me being nurturing and taking care of someone - it's me being nosy and getting in the middle of something that is just not my business. No matter how much I care about someone, if I'm not invited in, I don't belong.

I wonder how many times I've thought I was nurturing when all I was really doing was being nosy. I wonder how many toes I've stepped on doing that.... hmmmm. More room for grace.

Oh - and the new dentist - turns out he's a wonderful man who allows me to hum while he works on my teeth so I can escape to a far better place. If you need a good dentist I know where to find one!


I Thess 4:11

So who is really lying?

Well school is over for this semester. I am pleased with my grade and look forward to next semester but for now I'm LOVING the time to do things I meant to do more than 4 months ago!! Work is good. So is rest.

So I was "resting" on the couch yesterday watching TV with Catherine. I can't remember what we were watching but someone said "Stop, Drop and Roll." When the boys were little we toured 13 fire stations (or more - I quit counting) so I knew they would know what that phrase meant but I couldn't remember ever actually teaching it to Cali. So I asked - "Do you know what that means?"

Of course the 10 year old princess not only knew it but could articulate it better than any fire fighter with less than 15 years experience. I was impressed but couldn't pass up the chance to rock her world just a wee bit. I should have. It was *my* error. What was said absolutely leveled me.

Me: Where did you learn that? (I was secretly hoping I had done a great job and simply forgot - nope!)

Cali: Elmo. (some non person taught my daughter this!!!)

Me: He was lying. (OK - clearly this is where I went wrong. I thought I could throw her off track just a wee bit so I could then teach her some miniscule detail and then take credit for all of the obviously well learned lesson - nope again.)

Cali: And you're brunette.

when will i ever learn.....?

Why is it when you're in the process of - not just slightly sticking your foot in your mouth but SHOVING it in all the way up to your belly button - nobody stops you??!!!

Catherine is on the MJC swim team so you will find me pool side 4 days a week - well not really but theoretically. If it's been a terribly busy day and we don't have the energy - I will choose to not go claiming a mental health day. I probably should have done that today!!!

All the mom's sit at the end of the pool and what else would you expect - we TALK!!!!!!!! Today one of the mom's mentioned her oldest son is in the Army and is currently serving in Iraq. She asked about Evan's time in Iraq and without thinking I shared some of what he experienced.... painful PAINFUL things. I told about the guy who harassed Evan to the point I really thought he might kill the guy. I told about him losing half his unit in one day - drowning in the desert!!! I told about him having to pay for his uniforms, his kevlar, his gear - PAYING to protect our country!!! And more.

After going on for at least 15 minutes I stopped long enough to find out I was gnawing on my knee.... I asked "How long has your son been in Iraq?"

2 weeks.

TWO WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!

WHY DIDN'T SOMEONE STOP ME????

I have her email address now. I'm the first member of her new prayer list. Her son is Army Infantry - pray for his safety - physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Pray for me. I wonder if I'll ever learn to not talk so much.

the second day of the rest of my life

Does anyone else find it ironic that I haven't posted anything since starting school?

Nobody told me it would take so much of my time. Why is that? Is it just something the general population KNOWS? I guess I missed that piece of information.

I'm just really glad I'm only taking one class. And I'm glad I know what my priorities are. My house is still mostly in order. Dinner still happens - sometimes even regularly. Catherine is still progressing in school and not getting the left-overs of mom at the end of a hard day. Learning is still fun - for both of us. Dave and I like each other more now than ever before. I love this path, though not necessarily in that order.

I seem to have a "great parking spot" magnet too. I've only had to really look for a parking space once so far. Of course, having a tiny little car that fits into non-spaces helps. I know people hate that - driving past a spot at the curb and wishing they could squeeze in, then watching me do it. I'm sorry. ummmmm. Not. I'm actually sort of pitying I think. Is that bad? Is that even a word? Pity-ing - the act of having pity on one who drives a SUV. Ok - not in Websters.

We had our first of three tests this semester. I'll find out my score tomorrow. The teacher, now referred to as Becky because we chat often, asked if I was a "high achiever." I think that's code for obsessive compulsive. I said No - I think she knows I lied. I'm OK with a B. +. Or even an A-. I'll just try harder next time. Unless it takes time away from what really matters....

Speaking of what matters - Evan is coming home. (He's being stationed in Camp Pendleton down by San Diego.) Should be here some time this month. He won't tell me when because he really wants to SURPRISE me. Being the mom that I am and wanting him to succeed at all he tries, I had to tell him how to go about surprising me. Things like "I'll notice you're not on IM so start signing off now so I won't catch it." And "be sure you don't refer to what kind of work you're doing or your mom will be sure to figure out you're headed home when you're NOT referring to work." It's really hard to surprise me - I'll have to help him again.

We're in a routine... approaching the holiday season with incredible anticipation.... life is REALLY good. God is REALLY great. It's all about focus.



"Only heaven is better than to walk with Christ at midnight over moonless seas." Amy Carmichael - just had to share this - even if it doesn't seem to fit.



It's all about focus.


(PS - Just have to add this - I scored 79 out of a possible 75!! Extra credit earned in the study session Jeopardy game!)

the first day of the rest of my life

I've been considering this for so long.... I wonder if it's fear that has held me back and yet what is there to fear? (ummm - how about being too revealing? or maybe fear of ridicule? or worse yet - what if nobody reads this? worst of all - what if they DO???)

No matter. It's done and I'm here and it only seems right that this day, the first day of the rest of my life, I should begin a blog.

I went back to school today. It's the first time in 30 years that I've actually attended school. Not sure if I was actually anxious or just nervous. Even more so now....

The day went pretty great - found an EXCELLENT parking spot (I'll NEVER do that again - it was even FREE) right off the bat, arrived early enough to not stress over finding the class, even had time to stop at Starbucks on the way so I totally appeared calm while standing at the door, waiting to enter while sipping on a Chai latte. Nobody could know my heart was racing! I threw away half of the tea - it was hot and I was starting to perspire (girls never sweat) just from nerves - the hot tea was NOT helping!

The class is a Psych 101 class - and promises to be excellent... the Professor is a Christian not that Christians are any better or worse than anyone else (NOT going there right now.) It's just that it is important to me that I take this particular class from someone who has the same basic beliefs I have. The other teacher is an agnostic - more power to her. But I digress - ugggg - it's happening already.

But there will be homework - already there is reading and a quiz due on Wednesday. I spent most of the day buying the book (ever wait in college lines - register, drop the wait list class, add the class with the add card from the teacher, pay the fees, print the schedule, find the books, wait to pay - OMG it took 2 hours to do what should take only 10 minutes!!! But digression again...) so of course there isn't much time for homework tonight - and WHY would I do homework when I can sit here and pour out too much info to people who aren't there or likely don't care??? hmmmmm

So as nervous as I was at the beginning of the day, I'm no more assured now. I'm not as young as I once was.... not sure I was EVER good at studying - I never had to - things came so easy then. Now I will probably have to study and even then I'm not convinced I'll be able to do this. But it is soooo worth trying.

All that to say - it just feels like the first day of the rest of my life. I've started down a new path. I'm doing this for ME. It's a good thing. (my apologies to Martha - it works better here.)

And it's only the beginning.....