Delight in persecution? REALLY?

I hate conflict - really I do. Yet I seem to be foreced to deal with it regularly. At a young age (I thought I was old at the time but I was barely 30 - that's young now) a dear friend came into my life and one of her greatest influences on me was to teach me how to deal with conflict the way God wants us to - according to Matthew 18.

Yet I still hate conflict.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not willing to give up who I am or what I believe in order to avoid conflict but I do tend to keep my mouth shut more. But it happened again this week. I spoke up - simply mentioned that people were being invited to attend a meeting before the people who oversee the organization even knew they were responsible for the meeting. It's kind of like finding out there is a meeting and OH - you're running it. "Hope we scheduled it on a good day and this is how you wanted to do it." Well it created a fire-storm. People got defensive, then offensive, then knee-jerk reactions, and over reactions and in the end the 6 hardest working people available were all offended by the other party and somehow I feel like I'm to blame. I'm not - but even if the pie has 16 million pieces and only one of those is mine, I take responsibility for that one and usually much more.

So I ask you - how on EARTH does one come to delight in persecution??? I ended up getting thrown under the bus - again - in order for others to avoid having to say "I'm sorry - I blew it." I know - in a world where people are TRULY persecuted this is minor but the lesson is there. I feel betrayed in a huge way. It isn't often that I wasn't wrong but this time - I WASN'T WRONG!!! As a matter of fact - not only was I RIGHT I was doing them a favor!!!! And in the end I am to blame because in all honesty - it's OK for the meeting to take place. It was just inappropriate the way it came about. And it still stings.

Here's why I can say I delight in this. I am once again at the feet of my savior begging for His strength and wisdom, His guidance and leading, His grace - because I KNOW it is sufficient and that in this weakness, He is made strong. I like it here - at His feet. I'm safe. I'm loved. I'm right where He wants me.

But I'm not going to say "Bring it!!!" I will, however, "delight in weaknesses, in sults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." ( 2 Cor 12:10)

Today I face the offender for the first time since the fire-storm. They know I'm offended. I think they know they handled this poorly. I don't think they know they need to apologize or have a clue they need to admit responsibility. I think I'm going to be greeted with all the reasons why they did what they did and attempts to justify their actions. I DREAD THIS!!!!! Because in my own strength and wisdom I will blow it and NOT handle it well.

But I KNOW my Father says "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

Here I am today Father - feeling VERY weak and very hesitant. I don't want to go there and I don't want to see this person - but I can't avoid it. Please Father, let YOUR strength shine through. Let this be a testimony to Your strength and leading. Help me to listen, to hear, and to follow you today. And again - help me to just keep my mouth shut and speak only what You would have me say.

In my life Lord, be glorified.

Strength to be still

"Each of us is capable of far more than we imagine when He is our strength."

I'm prepareing for our Women's Bible Study starting in a few weeks. The book we are using this semester is by Sheila Walsh - "The Shelter of God's Promises." In my study today the above quote jumped out at me.

I'm a pretty "capable" person. I'm a driver. I get things done. I'm tenacious and like to work smarter, not harder - though I'm not afraid of hard work and I'm not very good at sitting and doing nothing. Even at the ball game I find myself making mental lists that get written down as soon as I reach the car. I just enjoy getting things done. So to try to comprehend being MORE capable is a struggle... and yet I KNOW it is true. I've lived it. I've prayed it - "Lord let my life today reflect YOUR power and strength. Let people see YOU in me and say 'She's pretty capable but that HAD to be God.' Let there be no doubt Who is doing the work."

Today it's different. It isn't the ability to DO or to WORK - it's the ability to let God's strength work in me and through me to be quiet. THAT is the hardest work for me. To be still. To NOT do anything.

I'm in the middle of some difficult struggles with other people. Thankfully I'm not the one who makes the final call on the decisions that are being made - I am just a worker bee. And I'm praying God will help me step back and let His power show.... to keep my mouth shut and let others struggle through to where God wants them.

"Father - you know my heart. I want YOUR will - not only in my own life but in my kids, my friends, my co-workers and my family. Help me stay out of the way even though I will be effected by their choices. Help me trust You to work in their hearts and to protect me and give me peace even when (especially when) it doesn't go the way I think it should go. When the consequences are hurtful to me and I'm included in the "blame", help me to trust You. Have your will in their lives even if it is at "my expense." What a joke - so many others have suffered because of my choices and I've grown at "their expense." It is an honor to serve You - use me as You will."

Master over human nature

Basileus Basileon - King of Kings. Powerful - master of all - including mastery over disease, death and nature - including human nature.

My human nature can be fault finding. It becomes a past time to enjoy and concentrating on the warts of others can be a great way to feel better about myself.... it allows me to avoid fixing the faults in my own life and consequently stunts my spiritual growth and obstructs God's work in me and through me.

"I don't do it often" or "I'm not always like that" I say to make myself feel better. Or "It's human nature - I can't help it." Still another justification for sin.

Romans 14:13 Let us not judge one another anymore, but rather resolve this, not to put a stumbling block or a cause to fall in our brother's way.

2 Corinthians 6:3-10

God's effectiveness in and through my life is enhanced or hindered by the way I live.

ouch

So I dwell on that.... I truly want to be effective for GOD - that where ever I am, no matter how uncomfortable it is, I can look for the purpose and know that it is God who puts me where He wants me in order to be effective for HIM. My discomfort (or comfort) is secondary to God's will. OK - so maybe I don't like where I am... or a situation that has developed. What is God's purpose in this and am I being catty thus hindering God's effectiveness? REALLY?

I believe God is not limited by me. His purpose WILL be accomplished. For some reason - He has chosen ME to work through in every situation I'm in. It makes no sense to me today. I don't like the situation I'm in right now but I'm at peace - TOTAL peace - because I know He is working. So I wait - patiently - and try to keep my mouth shut so I don't interfere with God's plan. I choose today to enhance God's effectiveness.

We suffer the consequences or reap the benefits of our choices. I like benefits. :-)

Father - I so rejoice at the thought that You love me. I melt into tears at the thought of You protecting me. I am safe in You. And I'm sorry I get in the way so often. I love you so much and I'm so so thankful to be your daughter. Help me today to keep my mouth shut and to speak only Your love to those I interact with. My heart is full and I want to leap and jump for joy.... I wish my body would allow me to run and jump and do cartwheels through fields of soft grass to celebrate the joy in my heart at what You are doing in my life. I am so blessed I can't contain my joy!!! YOU are so awesome and so good to me. I do not deserve this kind of love.

Let's go get 'em Lord. There are souls out there who need You and hurting people who need Your touch. Use me where You can.

Let the hearts of those rejoice who seek the Lord!! (Ps 105:3)

God's promises are "yes" in Christ

Great is thy faithfulness

O God my Father

There is no shadow of turning with thee

Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not

As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.

I'm afraid so often. "What a wimp" I say. And I begin to reason in my mind where I can go for help or who I can appeal to. But more often than not I end with "No - they won't care." I know that even though I have my own sob story so does everyone else. Times are tough and frankly, compassion is flowing about as much as cash - it just isn't.

Then I read this: "You have kept what You promised Your sevant David my father; You have both spoken with Your mouth and fulfilled it with Your hand" (2 Chron 6:15)

And this "I have been young and now am old; Yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken, Nor his seed begging bread."

Why would I think that God will change His ways with ME? From my devotions "Faith knows that God always performs what He promises." And like the song says "Thous changes NOT, Thy compassions they fail not." While my bank lacks compassion and people around me don't have the resources to show much compassion, I serve a God - My FATHER - His copassion never fails.

In a world of uncertainty, our trust is in a faithful God who will always keep His promises.

Thanks Dad. I love you. I'll try not to be afraid - just hold tightly to my hand today please.

She's in a new world

I took my daughter to school this morning, just like every other morning. But today was a little different.

She's tired. I'm tired. For different reasons. I'm tired because I stay up too late and then have to get up early to take Cali to school. She's tired because she isn't getting any deep sleep. After talking to her a minute in the car she told me that she's half awake - sort of in that Never Land state of sleep - all night. She hears what's going on, knows when I come in and kiss her good night.... just not sleeping well. As she talked I realized she's still so excited about school and her new world that she's still sleeping like one would the night before they leave for a trip to Disneyland. She's LOVING school.

On the way to school I asked about her classes. This girl that often has NOTHING to say to me chatted the WHOLE WAY to school!!!

1st period - Earth Ag - "Did you know...." began a lot of her sentences when talking about this class.

2nd period - PE - not much to say here.

3rd period - choir - LOVES it and is bored with much of it because she learned so much theory taking piano lessons that "this stuff is old news and I literally yawn." FINALLY - the theory lessons from her piano teacher are paying off and she sees the value.... a little bit anyway.

4th period - Algebra - LOVES her teacher! The conversation became so animated at this point and the energy increased.... she isn't tired any more.

LUNCH

5th period - Spanish. Totally enjoying that.

6th period - English - wants to pray for her teacher because it looks like she has some physical struggles.

7th period - State Requirements. I've never heard of a class called State Requirements. It was the only class she complained about the first week of school. After the 2nd day she decided she hated the teacher. I suggested 2 hours wasn't enough to KNOW the teacher and he would probably end up being her favorite. Today he is. She now LOVES the class and sees the teacher as "COOL!!!"

I've been so dissatisfied with my relationship with her lately. She doesn't include me in so many things... when I walk in her room she stops playing her guitar - even BEFORE I knock she hears me coming and stops playing. I feel hurt. But today that was all gone.

We have a routine now... I drop her at the curb where she's chosen to be dropped off every morning. She jumps out and crosses the street, literally running most days to greet her friends. I'm sure she is one of the first ones there and she is focused on finding them. She's out of the car and in another world that doesn't include me before I even pull away from the curb. But today was different.

She looked back.

And then waved. Just a small wave but it made my heart soar. I'm learning to get to know my daughter in her new world. :-)

Grace

I LOVE words. They are so powerful.... to heal, encourage, hurt, annihilate, build up, tear down.... so it isn't surprising that I have "favorite" words.

Grace is one of those. I neeeeeeeed grace.

So this morning on my drive home from taking Cali to school I had to sit and wait for a train. What is normally a 10 minutes drive took more than 20 minutes. I've learned to not get bent about these delay's - it's a part of life when you live on this side of town and most of your activities are on the other side of the tracks. So I usually use the time to talk with my Dad. I usually am in the Miata with the top down, soaking up sun with the radio blasting KLOVE and today was no exception.

The song that made me reach for the radio knob to increase the volumne was "I Am Free" by Newsboys (http://youtu.be/ZWv-UOHzalc)

Not my favorite song but I like it well enough and the beat was enjoyable up loud....

Came home and sat down to do my devotions. Romans 6. Surprised? Neither was I. It's how my Dad is. He has SUCH a great sense of humor and even though we talk so often through out the day, sometimes He surprises me by putting it in writing - where I can't ignore it or sluff it off.

Yep - grace. It's what I need and it's what He gives me.

I am free - no longer a slave to the lusts of the flesh - hopeless and guilt ridden for doing things I shouldn't - like eating... too much, unhealthy, poison to my body. I am now a slave to righteousness. Equipped with the power to tell my body "NO - I don't need that." Or swearing. How is it when I hear others use bad language it sounds so.... uncouth (another favorite word there). And yet when I'm passionate about something it seems only the really strong, offensive words feel right to get my point across. I hate that. But I am not a slave to that either. I am free.

And grace when I make a bad choice. No guilt. Just a smile and moving on knowing it happens.

I'll be singing the song all day now - a pleasant reminder from my Dad that He HAS set me free. I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me and gave Himself for me.

Changes

I'll never win any awards for blogging. Good thing I don't care.

Yesterday marked the beginning of a new season in my life. My days as a Homeschooling mom ended in May when our youngest graduated from Jr. High. She will be in Highschool and we have decided to enroll her in a traditional Highschool. Yesterday was her first day there.

There are no "Coffee and Cry" rooms at Highschools. Only the moms of Kinders get that benefit. I went to Starbucks. And I did fine.

I realize this is a huge change for her and I'm realizing it's a huge change for me too. Sadly, I think I need to grow and mature more than she does.

So today after I dropped her at school I came home committed to develop some new habits. I began with devotions. The need is immense. I find that I place burdens on my daughter that really belong at the foot of the cross. So after doing devotions I had thoughts that I want to really grasp and take with me all day - so I'm blogging them. Maybe someone else will benefit from them. Or maybe some day my children will read them. Certainly I benefit from writing them and that's enough.

My notes from today's devotion - from my heart without edit and formatting... just a ramble.

1st - God's promises - His law is a promise to us. In Exodus we read the law and how God gave it to us. Then in Matthew we read how Satan tempted Christ - when He was hungry and tired - vulnerable - and Jesus fought back with the Law - God's promises to us.

"Let Your voice be the loudest one I hear - and help me to not just hear Your voice but to respond - to act - to follow You, do what You lead, take You where You want me to share Your love... Your spirit is in me and goes with me - Help me to NOT take You places You don't want to go..... Paul served You and knew it was critical that new believers and thos who don't know You see that You are faithful... he wanted his life and actions to mirror Jesus' so people would know that You are faithful to fulfill Your promises in Jesus. Because You are faithful, we too can be faithful. Help me to show YOUR faithfulness by being faithful - and FAITH FULL. Help me to use Your words, not words that are vulgar, harsh, false, misleading - displeasing to You in any way."

So in Matthew 3 Jesus hears DIRECTLY from God after being baptized - that He is faithful and God is pleased with Him. "This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased (v17)." "This one's mine." He claims Jesus, calls Him His Own - He calls me His own!!! How much MORE affirmation can one get??? Right? It's what we ALL long for - affirmation. And then Jesus is led into the dessert where He is tempted... and God's affirmations have to be enough. There isn't anyone else there to help Him "feel good about himself" or remind Him of His value and worth. He must KNOW it in His heart - from God. I must KNOW it in my heart from God - I am His/valued/loved. And I must take that with me in my day when I'm hungry, tired and vulnerable - and need affirmations.

"Forgive me Lord, for placing this burden on my daughter today. In the car on the way to school I was sensitive - not terribly uncommon but uggggly. I was defensive when she said something. I asked her to please not say things to me unless they were kind and affirming. WHAT???!!! What kind of crap is that??? You were there - You heard the conversation. What a heavy burden to place on her shoulders. My affirmation comes from my Father - not my daughter. Lord, help me to hear Your voice - Your voice affirming me, leading me, directing me, prompting me to shut my mouth, giving me the right words to say to those I speak with today... nothing unwholesome. Words of encouragement - that they may benefit those who listen. May YOUR voice be the loudest voice I hear today. Help me to listen for it - to listen for YOU and to YOU."

"I love you, Dad."

train whistles and bugle boys

As I lay in bed last night I could hear the distant blast of a train whistle (such a gentle word for such a strong sound.) It made me think of how the Lord's return will be announced with the sound of a trumpet (1 Cor 15:52 is one reference to this.) And the whole idea of being changed in an instant - IF you know that call.

As I lay there pondering the idea of our Lord's return I thought back to a movie we had watched earlier in the week. The name of the movie is In Pursuit of Honor and is a fiction that claims to be based on a true story. (I digress but must add that my husband and I researched the story and there is no proof anywhere that this is a true story.... not a bad movie but it just isn't true. But again, I digress.)

The movie is set during the time when McArthur was pushing for our military to be more mechanized and less dependent on the cavalry. Other countries were using tanks and in USA there were less than 10 tanks in the entire military. Supposedly in an effort to reduce the cavalry, McArthur is claimed to have ordered 500 horses be retired and taken across the Mexican border where they were "disposed of." They were shot and killed. Because they had served our country, some of the soldiers decided this was just not acceptable, felt the horses deserved to at least be set free and so they stole the horses and proceeded to take them up to Canada where they could run free without danger of being shot.

What was interesting in this story was how the horses were trained to respond to the blowing of a horn. Theoretically if a soldier was separated from his horse in battle, he could blow a horn and the horse would return. When one of the soldiers blew the horn all the horses heads lifted up, they began to stir and soon they were running in full force toward the sound of that horn. It was really pretty cool to see. It's how they led the horses across the country from Mexico to Canada.

As I lay in bed thinking about this movie, I wondered if that is a similar picture of what it will be like when we, God's chosen people, hear the trumpet call. Will we hear it? Will we respond? I think if it were late at night and all was quiet I'm sure we would hear it. But just like the train whistles during the day aren't heard above the noise and din of the day, is my life so filled with noise in my heart that I might miss that call? I would think not - of course. I belong to Him. But it made me realize.... I want to hear it and the sooner the better. I'm anxious to go home. I'm ready to see Jesus. I miss my mom. I have a baby up there I've never held.

And now, like never before, I'm listening for that horn.

Southern Drawls

When I was in 4th grade we moved from Albuquerque to Arkansas. We didn’t live there very long but it was at a time in my life where my world was upside down. Somehow, though I’m not sure anything academic stuck, the southern drawl surely did. When we moved from there to California I stuck out like a sore thumb. I can remember being sent out of class more than once because my classmates would get so tickled listening to me talk that the teacher couldn’t keep them focused on the lesson at hand. Today, if I’m really tired, you’ll still hear a bit of the southern girl in me.

A couple weeks ago our Pastor was talking about Joseph and Mary and speculating on Joseph’s struggle with what was the right thing to do with Mary…. I mean really – would YOU believe it if you heard she was pregnant and still a virgin??? So he’s telling us how there are two ways to discover what is the right thing to do – and both come from God’s Word.

The first is when He specifically gives us direction about what is right – like when He speaks directly using scripture such as “don’t kill.” When the dingbat in the red BMW totally cut me off in traffic while talking on her cell phone, nearly causing me to run completely off the road, spilling my Chai Tea in my lap and endangering the life of my child - I knew the right thing to do would be to just let it go - as much as I wanted to cut her off and hope she slammed her cute little car into the next telephone pole. (OK honestly – I wouldn’t REALLY do that but haven’t we all had at least a fleeting thought like that??? No?? Well then I’m a greater sinner. Big surprise.) Or like when you are struggling with a situation and you read a story in the Bible where someone else is dealing with something very similar and after reading it you just know what you should do. Both of these are examples of when He speaks to us directly from His Word.

The other way is more subtle… it’s more like a Southern drawl. When we immerse our minds in the Word of God it’s amazing how the spirit of God begins to transform us. We begin to see things in a different way… and pick up some of His likeness and His ways… and His direction becomes easier to see…. and our words begin to sound more like His. It’s like that southern drawl that rubs off on us, and when we hear others speak with that drawl, we know their home is the same as ours…. And if it’s Arkansas we may be cousins!!

I can tell I’ve been away from my family in Arkansas for a while because I don’t sound so much like them anymore. I spent MANY years hearing my mother remind me to ENUNCIATE my words and worked hard to drop the drawl that betrayed me as “a hick from the sticks!” And I’ve done pretty well at it… until I get around them again and then oh boy – there’s that southern drawl that comes so quickly and so naturally.

It’s like that when I’m not spending time with my Father too. I lose my drawl, and it’s more difficult to know His voice – until I once again immerse myself in His Word and just like I’m back home, my words begin to reflect what’s in my heart and when my heart is full of Him, it shows. I can hear it.

Others can too.

I’m thinking I’ll stop enunciating my words so much and maybe not work so hard to hide my southern roots. They are a great reminder to me that I should sound different.

Opportunities for Unconditional Love

I've heard it all my life.... about unconditional love.... about how parents love thier children with unconditional love... and how God loves His children with unconditional love. If you say it enough times, and hear it enough times, it really grows meaningless until something happens that makes you realize yeah - THAT is unconditional love.

We had "an incident" during the holidays. What seemed like a terrible disaster actually ended up being quite a learning experience and I think everyone involved walked away a better person.

I love my family - unconditionally. So I won't betray them here - not even to help get a point across. And actually, it isn't necessary because we ALL have experienced "an incident" that stretched us beyond our breaking point - so you can relate I'm sure.

But at the end of this incident I realized - if we don't have times in our lives where there is a disaster of sorts, then how will we ever show unconditional love?

Maybe it doesn't strike you like it did me but I have been mulling it over and over in my mind for a couple weeks now... and the same words keep coming back to me.... the shortcomings in our lives, the mistakes we make, the disasters we cause - they do not make us failures. They present opportunities for someone to show us unconditional love.

If my kids never let me down, I will never have the opportunity to show them unconditional love.

If they never experience that unconditional love, how will they ever truly know their worth in God's sight?

Suddenly their failures and faux pas' aren't so horrible.

And what is even more amazing is neither are mine.

Not because of who I am or what I've done but because of whose I am and what He did for all of us.

fear

I received this in the mail today from a friend... love it... so profound I just can't help but share it....

He is the director of a pregnancy center in Canada and well... the rest speaks for itself.


fear
it's a funny thing
(not fear, but what i was just thinking)

i was just about to write this note to you saying that,
as believers, we don't have to fear about the miserable
econmics that are being talked about everywhere

and then i was, and this is the honest truth,
about to tell you that i am getting worried because
of the significant lack-of-support that is
occurring these past many months

this is so ironic that i'm just going to stop writing

Science Lessons

I homeschool our daughter and love it. Science isn't my best subject so when it's time to do Science I have to sit right with our daughter and sort of learn it with her. Wednesday's lesson was quite interesting... all about molecules bumping into each other making things heat up and pressure building.... I thought it went well and that we had learned quite a bit - that it "stuck" - and I was so pleased.

Thursday proved me wrong.

Thursday morning our daugher was in the kitchen packing her lunch and getting ready for a day of school "on campus." I was in my bedroom preparing to leave for Bible Study. From the kitchen where Cali was I heard the water boiling and thought she was probably making a pot of tea. A few minutes later I heard a VERY distinctive "pop!" - a sound I remember from my younger days.... it's the sound that is made when you put hot water in a plastic bottle and shake it. I knew the sound from the time I tried to mix baking powder with hot water by shaking it up in a plastic shaker jar. Of course the lid popped off and I had water with baking soda all over the counter.

I yelled from the bathroom sink "Is everything OK?" and waited for the quiet "No" that I knew would come.

As I walked into the kitchen I saw it. Cappucino mix all over the walls, the stove, the microwave, the cabinets, even on the ceiling!!! It dripped from the mugs hanging under the counter, ran down the white cabinet doors, spotted the hardwood floors - and seemed to be everywhere!!! How could 8 ounces of brown water spread so far??!!!

As I cleaned, I was reminded of my bible study lesson for this week. We were reading about David's discomfort with living in a palace while the Ark of the Covenant was stored in a mere tent. David decided he would build God a better place to live and set about moving the Ark to a "better" home. In the process of being moved (not done in the manner God had instructed years before) the Ark tipped and a man named Uzza instinctively reached to keep it from falling. The moment he touched the Ark he fell dead. David's good idea had turned out deadly.

I got the lesson.

Sometimes we have good ideas. We make decisions that seem really great without first asking God. Not bad ideas necessarily... but is it what God wants for us? Is it what God wants for those we "counsel?" How often do we see that our ways are not God's ways? And so often what seems totally foolish is exactly what God is leading us to do! Even more critical - are we missing something His Word already addresses? I don't mean obvious things like killing, stealing, etc. But what about when times get tough and we think we should go this way or that and in reality he's already said "be still and know that I'm God." So often we miss His leading in one direction because we're quick to do the "natural" thing. Even Nathan, in the above story of David and moving the Ark, told David "Go ahead. God is with you. Anything you want to do will be fine." God came back and told Nathan he was wrong but it only seemed natural that David do this good deed - even to Nathan.

My daughter's idea of making her mom a cappucino was really a good idea. She just didn't do it the right way. She simply forgot the Science lesson of the previous day.

I wonder how many times I've had "good ideas" that were not "God ideas." He instructs me through His Word and yet so often I forget what He has said and run off to do something really great for Him... and it explodes. As I sit here I can think of many examples of my own. And I realize that just like my daughter's attempt to make me a cappucino ended with me having to clean up a mess, my good ideas often end with others having to clean up my mess, or suffer the consequences of my actions.

My prayer today is "Lord, help me today to not forget YOUR laws (which I know are there to protect me because you love me!) Help me to follow your steps - to listen for your voice, to run to you with my good ideas and let you turn them into God ideas. Forgive me for all the times others have suffered the consequences of my actions and help them to forgive me also. Help me to not forget today's lesson and to apply it along the way, as You lead me on this path."

Time to go - I see some cappucino spots on the wall that I missed.... and on the floor... and wow - how could I have missed THAT spot??!!

Thanks for walking this path with me....

Has it been 10 minutes?

I know I know - "Where does the time go??!!" is just too trite to say - but really - WHERE DOES THE TIME GO??!!

My mom used to say "You DO what you WANT to do." While I do believe that I am still amazed when I look at this poor, neglected blog and realize how much time has gone by since my last post. Guess it's a good thing I'm not doing this for anyone else.... can't disappoint someone if they aren't really expecting anything. :-)

What prompted me here today was an email I received from son #2. It had a link for me to click so I did - here's what I found:
Surprising Signs You'll Live Longer Than You Think - 1 - Women's Health - MSN Health & Fitness

If you know me then you know my health has become a big concern in my life. Not that I'm sick - but I want to be around to play with my grandchildren. I want to get down on the floor and play - and more importantly I want to get back up without having the grandkids all gather around me and say "OK everyone - PULL!"

So I've changed my eating habits and I'm working on changing my exercise habits. I've lost 50 pounds and have another 50+ that I'd like to lose. I won't be anorexic when I've lost that much - really. I can stand to lose it. And that link was SUCH an encouragement to me.

All 3 of our children have been so supportive. So encouraging. So "there" for me.

What a lucky mom I am.

I went to lunch with a girlfriend yesterday. She is wondering whether she should remain in the relationship she has been in for the past 4 years. He used to tell her she looked nice and said the things we girls want to hear including "I love you." But that's all stopped. She isn't a priority in his life any more. He's busy with his life. She keeps busy but she misses him. And she misses hearing him declare his love for her.

So I told her that as much as I love my husband, he isn't very good at saying nice things to me. I can't remember the last time he said "I love you" without me saying it first. He doesn't affirm me with words very often and I don't think he's ever told me I'm pretty. He told me I looked nice a couple weeks ago without me asking, but it isn't something he's ever done with any regularity. "Guys just don't think like women"... it's what we say when we don't want to think about how bad it hurts. And yes, it hurts.

I admit - I WANT to be told I'm smart - in THOSE words. I WANT to be told I'm pretty - in THOSE words. I'd like to hear compliments and admiration in simple little sentences that don't need to be interpreted. And in fact, I know my husband admires me because of his confidence in me when he asks my opinion or asks me to do something for him. I know he likes how I look because of the way he looks at me. And I know he loves me because of his actions and so many other reasons. But words matter and hearing him say the words "I LOVE YOU" somehow just matters.

But I'm female, and I'm human, and I'm vulnerable to that little voice that would plant discontent in my heart and help me focus on what I DON'T hear.... Why is it so easy to believe our lives should read like a romance novel? It's just such a lie.

So I tell my friend if the relationship is based on hearing those things, end it now because she may never hear the words she longs to hear. If she can't be satisfied without his words, then don't keep going. She seemed somewhat alarmed with the idea.

So after lunch I'm home again... standing in the living room folding the fresh linens that are still warm from the dryer. And I hear His voice.

"Do you love me?"

"Of course I love you Lord!! Why is THAT a question?"

"Why don't you say it?"

"But Lord - I show my love with actions and so many other ways."

"But when do you say it? When do you ever simply say 'I love you' without Me saying it first?"

I was alone in the room but it wasn't to myself that I said it - out loud - "I love you!"

And suddenly my discontent disipates as I am affirmed and loved by my heavenly Father who will never fail me... and who loves me with an everlasting love. He knows me best - and loves me most - and it's more than enough.

********

My new habit I'm trying to form.... to say "I love you" - the WORDS - every day to the One I love the most. I love saying it, I love hearing it and somehow it doesn't seem to matter if it's my own voice I hear saying it. You should try it - as weird as it sounds it's really so cool.

Best Bumper Sticker award

OK - I'm blonde. REALLY. I was blonde as a kid, blonde in High School then started having kids and what began to grow from my head resembled the color you might find on a dead rat. Just too gross to continue living with so I have my hairstylist/friend keep my hair its natural color - natural as in BK - Before Kids.

But when it grew in blonde all by itself there were lots of red highlights that God put there - not me. We used to call it strawberry blonde - I always hated that. Not sure why - just did.

Then when I began picturing what I wanted my daughter to look like I always pictured reddish gold hair - my mom called it spun gold. I just think red hair is beautiful. (Interestingly so do our sons - they love the redheads!!)

Well I saw this bumpersticker that was sooooo good - just have to share!

I slow down for brunettes
I brake for blondes
But I'll back up for a redhead!!

To those who have red hair - hold your head high!! You're beautiful!

Back to School

Nothing of any importance or value to say tonight... I'm back in school starting tomorrow and I wonder if I'll see this page again in the next few months....

Makes me think of the saying "If a tree falls in the forest does it make any sound?" If my blog goes untouched will anyone even know?

So who am I writing for anyway?

Well. Me. I really don't have any preconceived ideas that anyone will really read these... I'm pretty sure if anyone were to search for "my" blog they would NEVER find it since there is no identifying information here. Makes me laugh thinking about it. It really couldn't be much more obscure.

But some day when I look back hopefully I will see some growth. And have some wonderful memories that got written down somewhere... here.

I want to remember sweet conversations - like the ones while drivng to or from classes with my daughter... Tonight on the way home from her swim class we talked about skin - specifically her stomach - and how much is too much to show.

It began with her asking "Mom - why should I wear shirts that don't show my stomach?" She's asked this so many times and I'm not sure why but we never seem to get around to answering it fully.... traffic, phones, radio - so many distractions on the way home. What's really funny is she always seems to think of the question just as we cross the main drag on our way home. Maybe I should just choose a different route so she forgets to ask me again. Nahhh... just address it.

Well - how much skin are we talking about? An inch? 6 inches? No - she says only an inch. Who decides that's OK and an inch and a half is too much? What about when you move?

How old can you be and still show that? Can a 60 year old woman show an inch of her stomach? No. 50? No. 40? No. 30? No. 29? Yes. Ok - so the day before you turn 30 it's OK but on your 30th birthday you must stop. What time? Eastern time? What if you're on a plane flying east?

We decided there really isn't anyone who carries around a ruler to measure how much is showing, and some 20 year olds look worse than some 4o year olds so really what's it all about anyway?

Well daughter - it's about what you want people to see when they look at you. The light goes on.

"I want them to see Jesus, Mom."

Yes sweet pea. Where will they see Him?

"In my eyes. I want them to look at my eyes. What's for dinner?"

I hope they are all this easy.... but I know they won't be. So I enjoy her purity and innocence and love for Jesus now... and write it down so I can remember it later.

My daughters joke

Ever have one of those days where every phone call lasts an hour or more, the teapot never gets emptied and the conversations are rich and welcomed? I've had too many deep conversations today and was thrilled when my daughter offered to tell me a joke.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went hunting. At the end of the day the brunette came home with a deer. When asked how she got it she said "Well, I followed the tracks and BAM - I shot it!!"

The next day the redhead went out hunting and she came back with a bear. When asked how she got it she said "Well, I followed the tracks and BAM - I shot it!!"

The NEXT day the blonde went out hunting and when she came back she was torn to pieces!! Everyone exclaimed "WHAT HAPPENED to you?" to which she replied "Well, I followed the tracks and BAM - the train hit me!!"

OK - so maybe the reason I thought it was so funny was because everything else today was intense.

So it's Friday now and this was written yesterday....

Here's hoping today is not as intense. :-)

cricket

Sometimes a girl just has to cry!!

Went to Starbucks today for coffee with my VVVBFF (not to be confused with my VVBFF or my VBFF or my BFFN - which makes me ask the question - are those interchangebale? And what's up with that anyway???)

Anyway - we're discussing the deeper things of life... and I was telling her about this peace I have about the future. Not just the peace that Christians have and claim to walk in but a real, almost tangible peace. Over the past few months and especially during this Christmas season I've been extremely aware of the fragility of life. That as much as we think things are stable, as much as we relax in our naivete and feel safe in our happy lives, that NONE of it is sure. We find peace in our plans and security in routine and yet if we were to lose the person we love the most would we still have that peace? I don't mean to sound morbid - I just seem to be reminded SEVERAL times a day that life is so unsure. Maybe it's because we've been working on our will - getting our house in order so to speak. Whatever the cause, it's been on my mind a LOT!!

What has come of it is that I have appreciated things lately that have previously gone completely unnoticed. Not just unappreciated - but completely unnoticed and totally taken for granted!! I have noticed things lately and said "I love you" to more people in the past months than I have my entire life. It's like having my eyes opened to new colors and new surroundings... everything is different. I've enjoyed one of the BEST Christmas seasons of my life because of this.

So back to Starbucks - we're discussing this and I get a little choked up. Well of course what's the very next thing said??? "Sorry - my hormones must be raging!!"

WHY DO WE DO THAT???

Bless her heart - my BFF says "It isn't hormones - it's a gift that women have and the world doesn't appreciate it. It's that ability to FEEL things - and to feel them deeply - to the point that we get choked up sometimes."

I so love that about her. She's so smart. (Tall, beautiful, intelligent, healthy, beautiful eyes, almost single. NOT that she's looking. But if you're male and single and LOVE Jesus, you can ask.) And she's so right. We make excuses and even apologize when we express any kind of emotion. The world seems to so disdain emotion that we even label people who show NO emotion (except general depression) "emo's" and encourage only pretentious, rehearsed happiness. We laugh too loud, too often and too quickly. Crying is a sign of weakness and emotions are a sign of immaturity or instability. If you feel something so deeply that you get choked up then you probably haven't seen your shrink lately and it's time to make that appointment.

Well - no more. Not for me.

This final day of 2007 I realized I'm really glad I'm female. I'm really glad to feel things so strongly. I'm really glad I have friends who accept me for me - and not just accept but appreciate!! It makes me wanna cry!!! (and No - I'm not overtired, hungry, on my "cycle", or even unstable! I'm female and proud of it. If not for female emotions we might look a lot like those countries where women are not allowed to speak, feel, or be themselves... hmmmm I think I have a couple sons headed there to fight for freedom - theirs and ours.)

And I'm especially glad that no matter what 2008 brings, my life is in the the hands of The One who holds all time and space - and that gives me great peace.

I wish you a very Happy New Year - and peace.

New Years Resolutions - or not

I don't know the rules about blogging yet - somehow I think I'm about to find out....

I got an email from a friend tonight that linked to this GREAT blog!!!

I have never really heard of this but have accidentally been doing it for the past SEVERAL years!!!

Some examples of my words have been

praise
Him
family
balance
home
others

I know there are more but these are the ones that come to mind right now.

It's funny too - each one brought about great changes in my life in that area.... like the word home - I was working outside the home, gone for many hours a day, with 2 little boys who I really wanted to spend more time with. My word became home and all decisions made were based on "will this allow me more time at home or will it take me away from home more?" That year I quit my job, quit teaching Sunday School, dropped my radio talk show, completed my responsibilities on the school site council, stopped volunteering at a couple non-profits, resigned my position on the board of another non-profit, found a friend who would ask me every time we spoke on the phone "Where are you Lynda? GO HOME!!" and started my own business as a computer consultant from home. It was an incredible year for my family.

The word others - that came out of the realization that I totally bulldoze over people. I forget they have feelings and frankly it irritates the heck out of me that they do! I don't mean to ignore anyone or be insensitive - I just failed to THINK of others. I didn't consider myself "self-centered" but indeed I found I was. So that was my word - a regular reminder to think of others, consider their needs and feelings, and share with them the love of God that I am so secure in.

Him - that has become more of a life word for me. I live for Him. I'd like to show more of Him and less of me. I want others to know Him in His fullness and know His love. As I have gotten to know Him more each day and each week and each month, the years have become more peaceful and my love for Him has grown.

With each new word I choose my password changes too. I always find it a regular reminder when I make my password a word that I'm focusing on. Probably not good information for me to share - but really - when it's a word I REALLY want to think of I put it in front of my eyes every chance I get.

I challenge you to join us. It really can be life changing.

And my apologies for any blogging rules I've broken.

around the dinner table

I grew up.... um no - start over - still haven't grown up....

I was raised primarily by my single mom. There were a few years in there where I lived with my Aunt and Uncle - though not consecutively. Mostly I lived there in 4th grade and then portions of the Summer every year through High School. Except for the time I spent with my Aunt and Uncle, I lived in poverty and dysfunction. Dinner around the table didn't exist in my life with my mom. Not because she didn't want to - she just didn't have the energy or know how. She grew up in poverty and dsyfunction so that's all she knew. Subsequently I never learned much about the importance of the evening meal around the table.

Then I married a man who came from a family that ALWAYS had dinner at the table. In fact, I'd be willing to bet they had breakfast together too - something I don't think I've ever had in my entire life except for the time I spent the night with Kim and her mom fixed us all oatmeal before school the next day. And she complained about it!!! I thought it was incredible!!

Over the years I've vascilated in my consistency to make dinner. Once the boys moved out it just became too easy to let everyone (all 3 of us) get whatever sounded good and not have a formal meal. Darling Daughter rarely likes what we have for dinner anyway. Dear Husband doesn't eat vegetables and doesn't like soups or salads. So what's the point? Why bother to keep trying to fix meals when I'm the only one who really likes them anyway?

Ahhhhh indeed - if I could, I would only eat vegitarian meals with some chicken or ham thrown in every now and then. I would have LOTS of soups, salad every night, the occaisional casserole and would probably experiment with various recipes. But then - I'm dreaming.

But what about the family meal around the table? I'm realizing it really has very little to do with what we're eating. The boys have been home since late Tuesday night. They want home cooked meals - guess the Corps doesn't provide those. So I've cooked and nobody complained!!! Instead I've listened to conversations between my family, lots of laughter and the building of relationships that every mom dreams of. I've heard how important this time is but I guess I never really appreciated it like I do now. With us being in seperate parts of the world over the past couple years it's really made us grateful for the time we DO have together - especially dinner.

I strongly suggest it if you've never made it a priority. I know dinner just changed in our home... I hope I never worry about the food again and simply enjoy the bonding that takes place in spite of what we're eating (or like those who fight for their lives together become closer - maybe BECAUSE of what we're eating!!)

nurture vs nosey

I never really thought of it until recently....

I always thought that taking care of someone was just nurturing... (something every mother seems to come by naturally or at least should - and if not naturally then they should learn.)

But not so.

Last week I visited my dentist. THAT is a whole story all by itself because I really have a huge dental phobia thing going on that stems from 4th grade when my dad left, we moved across the country not once but twice, my whole world was in upheaval and I had my very first dental visit. (I know - the sentence was too long and actually so is this little rabbit trail but stick with me.) I'd never been to the dentist and when we got to California my aunt took one look at my teeth and knew it was time - so she made the appointment and away I went - to another new adventure which by now I was pretty sick of all the new adventures and this one proved to be just one more awful memory. I was terrified, which seemed to irritate the dental assistant - or maybe it was just that I was squeezing her hand to hard - what ever - she decided I needed to snap out of it so as I began to cry she slapped me and told me stop being such a baby. Well back then if you got in trouble "where ever" you got double when you got home so I never told and well now I need therapy.

ANYWAY - so I'm at the dentist's office - not the monster from 4th grade but a new dentist in an office I've been going to for years and years. Well as I come in the door the office manager tells me the computers are down and in fact, the whole server has crashed. If you know me you know I'm a computer person. So we exchange questions and answers and I head back to the patient room.

Folks - I'm leaving out ALL the details here in order to get to the point... just suffice it to say I set up the original network here, love the people who work in this office and know the guy who is now maintaining their network and have great respect for him. I KNOW I can reach him and give him a better picture of what is happening in this office. I KNOW I can help the office and alleviate some of their stress. REALLY - this isn't an opinion - this is fact!

So I get out my phone to call the computer guy - a very loving, nurturing kind of thing on my part. Or so I thought.

Then it hits me. Nobody asked me to do anything about this. It's really none of my business. This is not really me being nurturing and taking care of someone - it's me being nosy and getting in the middle of something that is just not my business. No matter how much I care about someone, if I'm not invited in, I don't belong.

I wonder how many times I've thought I was nurturing when all I was really doing was being nosy. I wonder how many toes I've stepped on doing that.... hmmmm. More room for grace.

Oh - and the new dentist - turns out he's a wonderful man who allows me to hum while he works on my teeth so I can escape to a far better place. If you need a good dentist I know where to find one!


I Thess 4:11

So who is really lying?

Well school is over for this semester. I am pleased with my grade and look forward to next semester but for now I'm LOVING the time to do things I meant to do more than 4 months ago!! Work is good. So is rest.

So I was "resting" on the couch yesterday watching TV with Catherine. I can't remember what we were watching but someone said "Stop, Drop and Roll." When the boys were little we toured 13 fire stations (or more - I quit counting) so I knew they would know what that phrase meant but I couldn't remember ever actually teaching it to Cali. So I asked - "Do you know what that means?"

Of course the 10 year old princess not only knew it but could articulate it better than any fire fighter with less than 15 years experience. I was impressed but couldn't pass up the chance to rock her world just a wee bit. I should have. It was *my* error. What was said absolutely leveled me.

Me: Where did you learn that? (I was secretly hoping I had done a great job and simply forgot - nope!)

Cali: Elmo. (some non person taught my daughter this!!!)

Me: He was lying. (OK - clearly this is where I went wrong. I thought I could throw her off track just a wee bit so I could then teach her some miniscule detail and then take credit for all of the obviously well learned lesson - nope again.)

Cali: And you're brunette.

when will i ever learn.....?

Why is it when you're in the process of - not just slightly sticking your foot in your mouth but SHOVING it in all the way up to your belly button - nobody stops you??!!!

Catherine is on the MJC swim team so you will find me pool side 4 days a week - well not really but theoretically. If it's been a terribly busy day and we don't have the energy - I will choose to not go claiming a mental health day. I probably should have done that today!!!

All the mom's sit at the end of the pool and what else would you expect - we TALK!!!!!!!! Today one of the mom's mentioned her oldest son is in the Army and is currently serving in Iraq. She asked about Evan's time in Iraq and without thinking I shared some of what he experienced.... painful PAINFUL things. I told about the guy who harassed Evan to the point I really thought he might kill the guy. I told about him losing half his unit in one day - drowning in the desert!!! I told about him having to pay for his uniforms, his kevlar, his gear - PAYING to protect our country!!! And more.

After going on for at least 15 minutes I stopped long enough to find out I was gnawing on my knee.... I asked "How long has your son been in Iraq?"

2 weeks.

TWO WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!

WHY DIDN'T SOMEONE STOP ME????

I have her email address now. I'm the first member of her new prayer list. Her son is Army Infantry - pray for his safety - physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Pray for me. I wonder if I'll ever learn to not talk so much.

the second day of the rest of my life

Does anyone else find it ironic that I haven't posted anything since starting school?

Nobody told me it would take so much of my time. Why is that? Is it just something the general population KNOWS? I guess I missed that piece of information.

I'm just really glad I'm only taking one class. And I'm glad I know what my priorities are. My house is still mostly in order. Dinner still happens - sometimes even regularly. Catherine is still progressing in school and not getting the left-overs of mom at the end of a hard day. Learning is still fun - for both of us. Dave and I like each other more now than ever before. I love this path, though not necessarily in that order.

I seem to have a "great parking spot" magnet too. I've only had to really look for a parking space once so far. Of course, having a tiny little car that fits into non-spaces helps. I know people hate that - driving past a spot at the curb and wishing they could squeeze in, then watching me do it. I'm sorry. ummmmm. Not. I'm actually sort of pitying I think. Is that bad? Is that even a word? Pity-ing - the act of having pity on one who drives a SUV. Ok - not in Websters.

We had our first of three tests this semester. I'll find out my score tomorrow. The teacher, now referred to as Becky because we chat often, asked if I was a "high achiever." I think that's code for obsessive compulsive. I said No - I think she knows I lied. I'm OK with a B. +. Or even an A-. I'll just try harder next time. Unless it takes time away from what really matters....

Speaking of what matters - Evan is coming home. (He's being stationed in Camp Pendleton down by San Diego.) Should be here some time this month. He won't tell me when because he really wants to SURPRISE me. Being the mom that I am and wanting him to succeed at all he tries, I had to tell him how to go about surprising me. Things like "I'll notice you're not on IM so start signing off now so I won't catch it." And "be sure you don't refer to what kind of work you're doing or your mom will be sure to figure out you're headed home when you're NOT referring to work." It's really hard to surprise me - I'll have to help him again.

We're in a routine... approaching the holiday season with incredible anticipation.... life is REALLY good. God is REALLY great. It's all about focus.



"Only heaven is better than to walk with Christ at midnight over moonless seas." Amy Carmichael - just had to share this - even if it doesn't seem to fit.



It's all about focus.


(PS - Just have to add this - I scored 79 out of a possible 75!! Extra credit earned in the study session Jeopardy game!)

the first day of the rest of my life

I've been considering this for so long.... I wonder if it's fear that has held me back and yet what is there to fear? (ummm - how about being too revealing? or maybe fear of ridicule? or worse yet - what if nobody reads this? worst of all - what if they DO???)

No matter. It's done and I'm here and it only seems right that this day, the first day of the rest of my life, I should begin a blog.

I went back to school today. It's the first time in 30 years that I've actually attended school. Not sure if I was actually anxious or just nervous. Even more so now....

The day went pretty great - found an EXCELLENT parking spot (I'll NEVER do that again - it was even FREE) right off the bat, arrived early enough to not stress over finding the class, even had time to stop at Starbucks on the way so I totally appeared calm while standing at the door, waiting to enter while sipping on a Chai latte. Nobody could know my heart was racing! I threw away half of the tea - it was hot and I was starting to perspire (girls never sweat) just from nerves - the hot tea was NOT helping!

The class is a Psych 101 class - and promises to be excellent... the Professor is a Christian not that Christians are any better or worse than anyone else (NOT going there right now.) It's just that it is important to me that I take this particular class from someone who has the same basic beliefs I have. The other teacher is an agnostic - more power to her. But I digress - ugggg - it's happening already.

But there will be homework - already there is reading and a quiz due on Wednesday. I spent most of the day buying the book (ever wait in college lines - register, drop the wait list class, add the class with the add card from the teacher, pay the fees, print the schedule, find the books, wait to pay - OMG it took 2 hours to do what should take only 10 minutes!!! But digression again...) so of course there isn't much time for homework tonight - and WHY would I do homework when I can sit here and pour out too much info to people who aren't there or likely don't care??? hmmmmm

So as nervous as I was at the beginning of the day, I'm no more assured now. I'm not as young as I once was.... not sure I was EVER good at studying - I never had to - things came so easy then. Now I will probably have to study and even then I'm not convinced I'll be able to do this. But it is soooo worth trying.

All that to say - it just feels like the first day of the rest of my life. I've started down a new path. I'm doing this for ME. It's a good thing. (my apologies to Martha - it works better here.)

And it's only the beginning.....